I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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