I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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