I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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