it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
