Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
