Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
