i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize