I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
