ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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