I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
