seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
