sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The best revenge is premature balding
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
