this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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