rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
