If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize