i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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