Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
