So drunk its hurt
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
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