Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Need sex. Gaining weight.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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