mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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