his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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