Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
