I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
