Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
