I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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