oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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