I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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