The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
