dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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