now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
