Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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