I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize