Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize