I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
