I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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