Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
