i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
