Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
