hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As shirtless as possible
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
