I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He passed out mid-signature
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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