Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
