started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I just went to clothing optional bar
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
