So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
