i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
