did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
