Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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