so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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