watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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