She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am available for nakedness
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
