Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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