I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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