I just threw up on my dentist
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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