Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
