Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
