im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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