Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
