rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ugly people sure do ruin things
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
