I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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