you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
