my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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