My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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